“What can I get you?”

So this week we had to choose our criteria for our future children.

It felt a little bit like going to Subway: I’ll have a six inch Hearty Italian with tuna, NO cheese. Toasted, but with the onion on first, and then peppers and cucumber added after with a little bit of BBQ sauce, and a little bit of mayo. Yum.

When it’s children, it’s not so fun.

Questions like: what is your comfort level with a child who uses sexual behaviour to respond to stress? a child born of an incestuous relationship? a child with experience of physical abuse? a child who has cerebral palsy?

How can we opt to choose an ‘easy’ life, when these children never had the choice?

DSCF4741cWhat if we had a birth child born with Downs Syndrome, or Autism, or a mobility impairment, would we send them back?!

But as we filled in the forms something that the social workers have been saying all along, clicked! The adoption process is not about getting the parents the best children, it’s about finding the best families for the children.

They’re not asking us “what can we get you?” They need us to ask “What can we give you?”

Are we strong enough, equipped enough, able, to provide the love, boundaries and care that these children need? Alongside the therapeutic parenting all adopted children need? Ticking yes, yes, yes because we feel guilty saying no is NOT in the best interests of the child. These children deserve the absolute best love and support. NOT parents who are barely coping just to avoid feelings of guilt.

After a long, hard afternoon we have completed our form ready for the social worker tomorrow. We will hand it in guilt free knowing that we have not asked “what do we want?” but “what do they need?”

Not “can you meet our needs?” but “can we meet yours?”

And then we will carry on waiting, and trusting, that our children are on their way to us.

10 thoughts on ““What can I get you?”

  1. ahopefuldad says:

    We filled out the same form this week. It was horrible saying yes to this and no to that. But as you say, we have to be honest about what we can offer the children to help them through the future. Do you have your panel date yet?

    Liked by 1 person

      • ahopefuldad says:

        June 8th. Five weeks tomorrow. It can’t come quickly enough! Though I’m sure it will fly by. We have our final assessment meeting tomorrow.


        • Rain or Shine Blogger says:

          Exciting! You can let me know what it’s like!
          I go from completely over excited, to absolutely terrified, several times a day! On the one hand it’s been such a long process and we’re desperate to get on with being parents, but on the other hand we don’t feel at all ready! I’m guessing most parents feel like this though 🙂
          (You can tell from my excessive exclamation marks that I’m currently in completely over excited mode!)


  2. Al Coates (@NadjaSmit) says:

    It all seems abstract to consider children in relation to their experiences and ‘conditions’ or disabilities and then to try and apply that to your life. It’s very challenging but worthwhile if you can bear to be honest with yourselves about your capacity. Looking back we were just blindly naive and dangerously enthusiastic. However, when all those experiences, conditions and disabilities are then wrapped up in a little person that you love and care for they become much more doable and seem less so important.
    You appear to be living in exciting times. Best wishes for the 5th.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. crystalahollis says:

    I filled out the same forms last week. It was heartbreaking. I had to google most of the words on the list and I saw a little child with each of those conditions and it was so hard to not feel like I was rejecting the kids that we are not equipped to care for.


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