This is your life…

Last week we received our Prospective Adopters Report (PAR). A 21 page long document about us and our abilities to parent. It made for very strange reading.

Young, vibrant couple in their mid twenties.

Our social worker did a great job. I would definitely give us children! Hours and hours of interviews meant she could give really detailed accounts of our lives and significant experiences. She included anecdotal stories that make us seem like real people to someone who’s never met us. She made observations about us as a couple that we were oblivious to, like how we interact together.

DSCF4832.jpgAnd yet it made for uncomfortable reading too. Very personal memories are suddenly written in black and white and handed over to strangers. I felt comforted that the document she emailed to¬†us was password protected. Not because it contains secrets, or because I’m worried who might want to steal it. But somehow it felt respectful.

Since our assessment interviews finished and we didn’t have any more homework, I’ve naturally¬†started worrying about panel. I bought myself a new dress (actually 3) to wear on the day to give me confidence. However now I’m wondering if I’ve wasted my money. Sitting in a room full of strangers who have all read this document, I’m pretty sure I’m going to feel completely naked.

White British, heterosexual, able bodied, Christians.

And as always it comes back to the fact that a room of complete strangers get to decide whether or not I can be a mum. They will know my medical history, how I got on at primary school, how my husband proposed. What they won’t know is how long we have longed for our children. How much we already love them. The way our hearts break when we pray for their safety. It doesn’t feel fair that these strangers get to make such a massive decision. That we have to be prodded and poked and investigated inside out. But this is how our children will come home to us. and so we trust and we wait.

We are thankful for our social worker and the hard work she’s put in, as well as the PAR she’s written. We’re thankful that there are procedures in place to protect our children, and that that room of strangers are there because they want the best for our children. We’re thankful for a God who is in control, who has a plan and who loves us.